Tears and tantrums..erm that's me and not the kids

Whilst having children does (or should) make you a more responsible adult, it can, at times, make you regress and unleash the inner child in you. Sometimes in a good way, I can quite easily believe that our sofa is actually a car or a boat. I am an excellent guest at Olivia's tea party for her dolls and have spent a lot of money buying food from Beau's corner shop.

Yet, there are times when you have to remind yourself that you are the more advanced of the two parties involved and there are certain childish traits that you should just not follow.


I have definitely learnt that kids are more clever than we adults think, they have this amazing ability without much thought to bring us down to their level and behave in ways that are normally reserved for them.

Me and friend were also talking recently about her relationship with her daughter who is three and a bit and she confessed that she felt like the confrontations that she had were her were almost on a childlike level, there was no rationality to them and that it was more like playground behaviour than a mother trying to control her child. I then got on my high horse and told her that she needed to be the mum and not the child and all that sanctimonious rubbish that people say when they don't experience the same thing - but folks there is karma........

Today, I spent over an hour with the kids making cards with animals on hat you then rolled up tissue paper and stuck all over..see below for the evidence.

It was a lovely hour, the kids sat calmly and attentively whilst I dabbed on glue and told them where to stick (although Beau got bored half way through and went off to play wit his train) So me and Olivia soldiered on together to create what I thought was two cute and rather intricate pieces of art. Now obviously I accept that  I was far too caught up in my creative ego and really it was just a bit of tissue stuck on card, but at the time I was feeling all warm and cosy in the fact that me and my daughter had created a "masterpiece" together. 

So you can imagine my shock and despair when 30 mins later I found Olivia sat on the floor tearing off all the pieces of tissue that we had so delicately and precisely been applying. My friends I have to tell you that I almost burst into tears, I was speechless. In that moment you could actually say I spat my dummy. I actually wanted to stamp my feet, cry and say "that's not fair". For that moment my brain had been re-wired to that of my child's. I really wanted to have a tantrum, to sit and sulk in a corner with my arms crossed and my bottom lip sticking out.

And I did sulk, not in a corner, but I refused to talk to Olivia and told her to go away and not talk to me, which I would often do to my mum and dad whenever I had one of my little paddy's as a child. Stomping away with a proper exaggerated step to emphasise how angry I was. Oh my lord!!

Poor Olivia, she apologised without me having to say anything and then she spent the next 20 mins trying to make me laugh and all I could do was mope and moan about how she had ruined everything and dramatically exclaimed how upset mummy was. Of course, 10 mins later I felt a bit silly, why did it matter so much and why had I behaved so childishly? 

I guess sometimes the responsibility of being a parent can just become a little too much and like a child, we become a little sensitive and want to kick out, scream and wail. The difference between us and our children is that we have a conscience and  beat ourselves up for this occasional loss of control. For them, they have a tantrum, bit of a cry and a few minutes later it's forgotten. For us, the responsible ones, we then spend the next few days chastising ourselves about how bad a parent we have been.

Of course we can't always be the perfect parents and I have come to realise that I should not feel guilty when it comes to getting cross with the kids, I fully believe that if there is a child in this world that never misbehaves or pisses off their their parents then they are either Pinocchio and wooden or have been bound and gagged and locked in a cellar!!

It's ok to break out of the mummy/daddy role from time to time, but just remember, kids are highly observant and receptive, they learn and react from you and your behaviour. Yet  most importantly, always ensure above all else that your child knows that they are loved and cherished. When you do that the rewards are always worth the tears and the tantrums that you and them sometimes endure.

Heart on my sleeve

I'm really grateful for the feedback that I've had off people who have read my blog. The one thing that seems to come up is how open and forward I am about my life and things that I feel. I guess I don't seem to have a censor button when it comes to talking about myself and my emotions.

All my life I think I have been very forthcoming in terms of expressing myself. As a child, if I was upset, angry, happy, sad, pissed off, whatever, I not only let people know verbally, but also my body would also be acting out whichever emotion I would happen to be experiencing. Is there such a condition as emotional tourettes?

They say that your eyes are like a window into your soul, for me that is so true. Like my father, I think I have this ability to speak with my eyes and not say a word. As a child, it wasn't shouting in our house that had any impact, my dad would have a "stare", his eyes would go a very deep brown, almost black and they would fix upon you and hold you there under his gaze. If this was some sci-fi film, you could probably see the laser that was ever so slowly burning into your head. When you saw this stare, you would have to turn away quickly just in case he might actually penetrate the brain.

Maybe I picked up on this technique, or perhaps it was inherited, either way, I too have the "stare". I discovered this following a conversation that my headmaster (also taught me French) had with my parents when I was 12.

Mr Weremcyk - "your daughter is hard to teach"
my parents - "erm, ok, why?"
MrWeremcyk - "She has way of looking at me, that is most unsettling, a certain stare"

Yes, there you go folks, even at 12 I had the stare nailed.

I use the old adage ' I wear my heart on my sleeve'  because no truer words could be said, but it actually makes me feel comfortable to be so open and honest. I'm not ashamed of telling people how I feel. I sometimes think I do it because I want people to feel able to tell me things that they might not necessarily think is OK to discuss. This sounds very corny and perhaps a little bit egotistical, but nothing makes me feel better and happier when someone is able to disclose something to me that they might otherwise have felt awkward about. It's not about what they relate, but the fact that they can feel that they can relate to me. It's almost like I'm a big comfy chair that they can relax in.

The person I probably have to thank for this is my mum, she had the most warm and welcoming aura around her that glowed. People were forever in her office or on her phone seeking advice or just an ear. From old ladies and troubled teens to top flight rabbis, mum would listen to them with the same unaffected and nonjudgmental attention. There was no pompousness in her counsel, she did not feel herself as a martyr, she only ever wanted to make people feel comfortable in her presence.

But it is with the love and tolerance that I had from both my parents that have allowed me to be the open and honest person that I am today. They always encouraged both me and my brothers to be true to ourselves, making it feel natural for us to be expressive and emotionally unconstrained. Yes our house was often loud, contentious and somewhat tumultuous. However, when it came to who we all were as people, parents and children that was and still is bona fide and genuine.

Lets talk about sex (maybe)

How the subject arose I can't quite remember, but today at a friends birthday lunch, the issue of how we would deal with the "sex" issue as our children reached a certain age came to the fray.

I have to admit I was quietly surprised by the fact that some of my friends, who are quite liberal in many ways and talk openly when it comes to matters of a carnal nature, seemed to clam up when it came to the thought of approaching the subject with their children.

It is for most parents I feel, the looming elephant in the room. Like potty training, religion and politics, it falls in the same category of things parents dread bringing up with their children, an area of growing up that many of us wish that children would quietly and easily discover for themselves. 

Look, you can't get away from the fact that your children are eventually going to do IT. They are also going to try drinking, smoking (possibly drugs), you know that because you have done it too. Take yourself back 10, 20, 30 years or so - you have to ask yourself how would you have wanted your parents to re-act? Did they do it the right way? 

I have to say that I think my parents got it right. They didn't make a big thing about it yet neither did they pretend that they thought we would stay virgins forever. Both mum and dad made it clear that if we wanted to discuss it they were happy to do so. 

From a young age we would also happily sit alongside our parents watching comedy films such as Lemon Popsicle http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079118/  and Porky's http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084522/, all relating to sexually frustrated young men painfully and usually unsuccessfully trying to lose their virginity, so maybe that helped lighten things up a bit.

I think my dad felt that his remit as a parent was to find as many ways possible to embarrass his children. Let me just take a moment to list some things that we were subjected to

My dad would....

1, Lie on the floor supermarkets calling out our names
2, Sing in the street
3, Walk out in his underpants in the street
4, Sing really loudly during services at synagogue to try and out sing the choir
5, Do the dad dance at wedding, barmitzvah, birthday parties (fortunately not at funerals)
6, Make silly noises and jump up and down pointing at us in the street so that everyone would look

Yet, there is one thing that mostly sticks out in my memory, in fact I can't even call it a memory as still to this day, my dad will hasten to add some sort of  sexual pun or innuendo into any conversation, normally relating to a woman's breasts. Now, as much as it did and still does make me cringe, in some ways having this issue so openly and jokingly discussed meant that sex was never really an issue, or something that was seen "dirty" or "forbidden". 

My oldest brother started bringing girlfriends home from the age of 17 and my parents were very comfortable with that, better in his bedroom than children's outdoor playhouse in a park (not me a friend). 

Had I not developed an eating disorder throughout my teens, I totally believe that I would've been comfortable and confident when it came to sex. I would quite happily have taken boys home with me as it was where I felt safe. 

Now I'm not saying that we should be buying vibrators and the karma sutra for our kids, but things are so different now, our kids can get information about anything at the click of a button. So would advice not be better coming from someone they can trust rather than a stranger on a screen.

We all have our own way of parenting and I am not here to preach or persuade, all I can say is that all the issues I ever had in my life were self inflicted rather than as result of lack of parental guidance.

To my friends

When we discovered that we were having twins, we decided that it would be good to move near family (we're talking seconds away!!) 

For twelve years we lived in Leeds, a vibrant city well known for its clubbing / bar scene and shopping. As a young couple it was a great place to be, we indulged in the nightlife and were happy to be part of the hustle and bustle of a reasonably large city. 

During our time in Leeds I was trying to juggle two jobs, one as a gym instructor at for Virgin Active, the biggest, a swanky gym with over 1000 members. The other was as a PR and marketing consultant. So I knew lots of people, but having to spend so much time being bubbly and sociable in my job soon left me with little energy to socialise outside of my work.I avoided going to social events for work and always felt like I didn't really fit in as I wasn't one of the "team". I think people thought I was a bit of a snob or just very boring I had a small group of friends but, and I apologise to them now, I was an elusive friend, drifting in and out of their lives, never really making any firm commitments to them. Now, I don't want those that knew me to feel like I'm disrespecting them in some way, because I know that those people cared about me, it's more of a failure on my part to be a good friend.

The decision to move away from Leeds wasn't really a heart wrenching one. Whilst I would miss teaching my classes at Virgin and my regular indulgences in the M&S food hall, both me and Rick were ready for a change, especially with two little tiddlers on the way. We were living in a 2 bed terrace adjacent to a main road, with no garden, not the most ideal place to live with children. No, now we needed a house with a garden, preferably in a quiet and safe road - it was time to be ouch, dare I say it...sensible

So on a very cold and icy week in December 2010, we moved to a lovely house in Shropshire. For a few months I had withdrawal symptoms from living in the city. Whitchurch is a sleepy little town in what some would term "out in the sticks" Tractors are more common place than cars and an Indian is considered as posh food. 

In Leeds, I was indulged with a choice of shops, restaurants, cinemas, bars, even museums.When I first hit Whitchurch town centre it felt like a step back in to the 1980's. It has that battered and bruised feeling of many town centres around the country due to the influx of giant supermarkets and retail parks on the outskirts. How was I ever going to survive, I thought!!!!

My saving grace were my kids, it was through them that I have learnt to love this town and all the many people I have met that live here. 

Yes, I have become part of the mummy brigade, most of my friends are mums. OK, the children do factor highly in our conversations, but who else is going to understand when you feel like shit because you've been up since 4am, or are get as excited when your child does their first poo in a potty. But as a parent that support is crucial in surviving the sometimes exasperating parts of being a parent.

Being in a small place allows you to slow down and make more time for people, there is a need to be connected and after many years of feeling adrift I finally feel part of something again.

You know in my last blog post I mentioned that I was grieving for that little girl I once was? I honestly feel like I have been given a second chance to live again, I'm beginning to feel like I'm getting that sparkle back, there's a warmth and energy that is climbing up from my soul and starting to radiate through my skin.

As dramatic as it sounds, it's like my cold heart has been melted, fro many years, being a friend was a chore to me, something that didn't come easy. Now, being a friend means so much to me, having people to turn to is as important as breathing. 

To those of my dear friends past and present, I owe you so much...........

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” 
― C.S. Lewis

It's been a while

OK, so it's been a very loooooooooooong time since I wrote my lost post, almost six months to be precise

I guess it was a combination of laziness, motherhood and brain freeze. Although saying that, I've actually felt like my head would actually explode with the amount of activity that has been going on inside.

It's been a bit of a funny time, I've been in a bit of a dark place. I think I was looking over the garden fence and seeing a greener grass and rosy garden, whilst mine seemed withered and barren....yes it's a jolly post today!!

As some of you have read in my previous posts, I've not adapted as easily as some to the role of motherhood, it's been both a mental and physical challenge. I won't regurgitate past blog posts as I don't want to bore those who have already read about my battles with eating disorders, but in a nutshell becoming a mum to twins = change body + change in lifestyle and routine = major struggle. Then add to the pot a feeling of failure having never really achieved a stable career status. Things just reached boiling point for me towards the end of 2012.

I had tried and succeeded in getting a job, but it involved getting up at 4am and then coming home back to a full day with the kids. I didn't make it easy for myself as I'm a night bird and don't go to sleep until late. But even so, the people that I worked with were either very young or reasonably older than myself. It got to the point where I had nor energy for the kids and the thought of having to do stuff with them made me want to curl up in a ball and hide. So ashamedly, I only lasted 3 months in the job and thoughts of a new career were pushed right to the furthest part of the cupboard where the cobwebs dwell.

With that came a black cloud, in which my brain would just not switch off in terms of negative thoughts and I was constantly giving myself a mental beating. Was life ever going to be different for me again? Was there more to life than this - my role as mother. Who was I, what was I put here for?, would I ever DO something of merit?? God, perhaps I should've joined the religious cult Opus Dei and flogged myself!!

When I was a kid, I had what my grandma would say "a lot of chutzpa", No mountain was to high and no walls were going to stop me. As much as my dad will loathe me to say  this but I thought I was going to be the next Maggie Thatcher- not really in politics, but in what ever it was I chose to do - yes choose, because I had so many things I wanted to do. Even now, as I type, I have visions of this child with a sparkle in her eye and a fire in her belly - eager to get out and make her mark on the world. That light got blown out when I developed Anorexia. It's actually bizarre to think about really, I was so desperate as a child to conquer the world, but in hind sight I became anorexic as I was so frightened of becoming a woman. A paradox of sorts really.

For years my whole life became entangled in a web of food and exercise, disabling me from reaching the great heights that I expected. I wasn't able to function as rational or "normal" person. And, in some ways I'm still experiencing some similar obstacles. 

So much so, I decided a month or so ago to try counselling again. I've had counselling on a couple of occasions as a teen but didn't really appreciate or want it - it was more a case of being pushed into it, but this time I made the decision. I wanted to be able to use my brain for something other than negative thoughts and worrying about getting fat. 

I love writing and my ambition is to write two books that I have the ideas for. I also want to continue with my mums recipe book blog, which means a lot to me. But, right now my head is so full of junk that it's hard to concentrate on these things.

It's been over a month now and I've made inroads, I've realised that I am grieving for this little girl that once was. When someone dies, you seem to put them on a pedestal and erase all the flaws. They become like a ghost, haunting you and making it hard to move on. What I have to do now is find some way to move away from the past and focus on the present and the future without believing that my glass is always going to be half empty.

I've also become aware that whilst there might have been people and decisions that have effected my life in some way, these should not be dwelt on or used as an excuse for where I am now and how I feel. The only person that is control of my life. There are only so many factors you can blame before you have to look at yourself and realise that it is only you that can change and only you that can choose the right path. 

Virgin trains can use my tracks Mr Branson

I've gone and done it, the train tracks are on and even though you see me smile I have to say it's slightly forced.

Yes, I know I'm old and silly enough to make my own decisions, I have no parents to blame for enforcing me to go ahead with such drastic action to fix my wonky teeth, but I still can't help repeating the mantra "why oh why oh why oh why" in my head.

The past few days have been nothing short of nightmare, I feel like the makers of the Saw movie franchise have created a part just for me in SAW VII - Brutal Braces.

It's tag line would read - The Braces aren't there to fix her teeth, they're there to rip her mouth to shreds!!!!!!

I don't think there has been a day, hour or minute in the last few days where Rick has not heard me moan, bitch and whine like - well a person who has just had a big hunk of sharp metal put in their mouth

There is however, one possible highlight, I think I have lost a few pounds due to the fact that I have only been able to drink soups and smoothies for 5days, even my two year old twins have been eating more textured food than me. It is only today that I can finally bring my teeth together without feeling like they are about to explode. I long to be able to chew on a piece of chicken or even eat a sandwich, but that is still days away yet, although I'm still of the impression it might even be months.

If there's a lesson learnt here, it is, even if the dentist shouts at you for not brushing properly, never leave it 12 years before you return to the dentist!

News just in...I have a JOB interview!!!!!!!

News just in...I have a JOB interview!!!!!!!

OK, don't get too excited it's just a part time job at Sainsbury's - working on either fish / bakery or deli..BUT... I actually want to do it. To me working in a supermarket is the equivalent to a fashion student getting their first job sweeping up factory odds and ends for Stella McCartney.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I love being around food - talking about it, looking at it, reading about it and eating it. In particular, I am interested in finding out about new products and also the trends in consumer sales and choices. So working in an environment that enables me embrace my passion is surely not a bad thing.

There is also the fact that this could lead to a variety of opportunities either within Sainsbury's of the food retail industry. I have often mentioned to Rick that I would love to become a food buyer. I would take great delight in deciding what I think people would try and also buy. I know that there is much more to it than that, but thought of discovering a product that could set the market on fire gets me more excited than reading the middle of 50 Shades of Grey!

Now, I do love Sainsbury's, I shop there every week (the twins are very well known for their, how can I put it - rambunctiousness throughout the store. I think they probably have the twins photo up in staff room saying BEWARE). However, in an enchanted world, I would love to eventually end up working in a top class food hall. I have actually thought about contacting the food halls of Harrods, Fortnum and Mason, Wholefoods or Selfridges to see if I could do some work experience with their food buying team, but would they want to take on a 34 year old with no experience.

See, there's a couple of issues, no training/experience and I'm no spring chicken. Will people really want to take a risk on me? The argument for it is that being 34 I've got a lot out of my system and I'm settled down. At 34, there is less chance of me flipping and flapping through careers, I don't really have the time or energy for that. With age comes a different kind of experience, alongside the eagerness comes a little bit more sense and sensibility, affording you a little more confidence and assurance in the work that you carry out. I think you tend to handle things differently, maybe more logically as the eagerness comes with a little hesitation rather than a two footed leap that many young people take.

Of course, I may not even get this job at Sainsbury, I just might not be what they are looking for. Should I be dumbing myself down? I'm hoping that the interviewer would be encouraged by my ambition, drive and see the potential in me for future opportunities, rather than be put off. But I'm still a bit unsure how to approach the interview situation.

When I found out I'd got the interview, I honestly felt for the first time in a long time that I could feel the blood coursing through my veins and the colour coming back into my cheeks. I guess it's given me a bit of fire in the belly and unlocked a part of my brain that I thought I'd lost the key to. I've realised there is so much that I can do and want to do, but I may just need to reign things in a little and learn to channel this new wave of enthusiasm towards something fruitful and productive.